I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I just tested negative for patience.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
who will stop them
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real