Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.