Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
You Might Also Like
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
OMG 🤣🤣
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
#CoronaOutbreak
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby