[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE