#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
79.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget