listen closely
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Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick