I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude