I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses