[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
That’s easy for you to say
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.