this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded