*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: hello I鈥檇 like to return this body. it鈥檚 defective.
GOD: I鈥檓 sorry but your warranty has expired
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
thank god
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
cicadas cotton eyed joe
馃
where did they come from?
where did they go????
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I have no passwords left in me
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you鈥檙e still too drunk from Thursday! 馃嵒
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food