One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.