People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.