Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
You Might Also Like
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no