My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I think about this a lot
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …