Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed