There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
You Might Also Like
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.