a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You Might Also Like
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.