9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away