*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes