We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄