[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.