What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities