Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
the answer was staring at me all along
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*