[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.