You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Isn’t
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.