carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.