An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Cucumbers Anonymous
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*looks at you in batman voice*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
God has left this place
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
even bears disappoint their mothers
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared