things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Happy Star Wars day!
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.