ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Oops I deleted….
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on