The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong