Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
when u come home smelling like another dog
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar