Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.