Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me, after any kind of buffet.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.