One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Watermelon Boss!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor