GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.