For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Perfect
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always