Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure