Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I identify as an antique shop.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.