My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
When you kidnap a writer.