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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian