don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“Sheer Arrogance”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
A friend helps you before you need it