WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
car not found
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.