[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.