Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs