*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…