Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
This checks out
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what