Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”