It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
You Might Also Like
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused