5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Wait a minute…