wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
i hate you platonically
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”